Life lately has been so many goodbyes. More and more, I realize this life is so short and we spend so much of it lying to ourselves or putting off things we shouldn't. I think that fear has always made me into this incredibly anxious and urgent person. I really do act like every day is my last, I really do talk to people with a finality akin to a eulogy, always. It freaks people out, but acting like tomorrow is promised makes my insides scream with fear.

I wrote a letter to someone I haven't spoken to in a long time. I figured life is too short to not tell people I love them while we're still around. I probably sound crazy. But I've been surrounded by so much loss, so much death, and so much regret. It's not necessarily my own, but seeing other people go through it makes me afraid of all the doors I need to open or close in my own life.

So I closed another one. I spoke my feelings, like a eulogy, and went on my way. It doesn't matter what they think, caring about how others will react to me has held me back and I end up in the same place every time anyways. There's nothing left to lose. I can't take my ego with me. I am not one to live with regret. I know when I'm being taught a lesson.

Anyways, it was hard. But my head is held high. I'm proud of myself. I hope this is what it means to move the rock out of the road so I can take the next step. I kept thinking I need something to replace that void with, but the void is room for air, room to take a deep breath-- god knows I need to. I've been suffocating on love gone bad, terrible memories, trauma, heartache, loss, what have you. I need that space for air again, even if that's all that space is for. I understand more than ever that sometimes loving someone is leaving them alone, a thing I wish some people would do for me, if they were listening.

My sense of urgency has always made me an intense person. I just can't think of a single time in my life where I gained anything worthwhile without trying. Effort is always necessary, effort is always an option. Effort is the one thing I can control. The only thing I know about me is that I am big on trying and the fact I wasn't trying was slowly killing me. I have to try, even if it hurts, blows up in my face, and embarrasses me in the process. I can recover from those things, but I can't recover from the things I didn't do. I refuse to choke on the frog in my throat.

I really do wish more people understood. I wish people saw my actions as urgency, as living. That's all I'm doing, living. Yeah, it's intense. But I'd rather go through life kicking and screaming than taking it all lying down. Burning more bridges, but lighting my way.

I have learned that everything ends, but everything is also cyclical.

I didn't want to leave your life or mine without telling you I care.